“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, is one of the most beautiful, great, insightful and touching books I have ever read. This book spoke to me. The first time I read it, my second year in college, I was far away from family and feeling as I often have, an outsider. Even though the story takes place in high school, the themes are universal. I have read it several times and I felt less alone, I felt someone cared. I chose the quote above because I want to know who I am, and where I can go, what I can do.
What dictates our identity? Is it genetics? Friends, family or your partner? Your hobbies? Your religion, nationality or social status? Who am I? Do you ever ask yourself these question? Who am I? Perhaps more importantly, What am I going to do?
What do I know about myself? I know that I like quiet, lonely places. I love being near water. I love the sound of water. The shower, the rain, a river or the sea. It gives me peace.
I love chocolate, but I like to put it in the freezer.
I love thunderstorms.
I like to smell pretty. One of my favourite things when I was little was to try on my mother’s clothes and jewelry and spray myself with every fragrance I could.
Since I can remember I have written on papers, diaries, notebooks, and made small drawings here and there.
I have always been intimidated by my father. He wants me to be the best at everything I do, but I disappoint. I can’t be the best at everything.
I used to try to make everyone else happy. All I wanted was to feel loved. I wanted people to like me, and that meant that I wasn’t always myself but someone who I thought would be more likeable.
There are certain things that make me very angry, like people’s ignorance about certain topics. People giving their opinion about things they are not properly informed about.
I hate bullies, and sadly they are everywhere.
I love my hair, my brown eyes and my lips. I’m learning to love every other part of my body though. It’s unique and it’s mine and it’s taking a journey that only I can understand.
When I was younger, I was impulsive, adventurous and brave. Lately, I find myself lost in fear, and angst about the future. I fear that if I quit a job that I hate, I will have no money to pay my bills, but I fear that if I stay I will never become a writer, a photojournalist nor a film maker.
I dream to make documentaries, and travel to every corner of the world.
These are things I know about myself.
What am I going to do? I know that it is fear of the unknown that is keeping me from taking action. I know that self-doubt is preventing me to take the risks I know I should take. What I need to do is take that leap of faith without worrying about what other people think, or what other people want. I’m still figuring out what should my first step be. Move? Quit? Shave my head? Join a cult? Whatever that step might be, I have to take it soon.
There are experiences that shape us, all throughout our lives. There are certain things I used to wish had never happened, but had they never happened I wouldn’t be the person I am. It’s really up to me, to shape the rest of my life in a way that makes me happy.
If you struggle in the ways that I do, please write to me and I will write you back. Sharing our fears might allow us to let go of them.